1. Flying donkey = awesome.
2. Awesome = worth the psychological stability of one donkey.

The moment when the donkey launches off the beach is fantastic:

Just — you know — FYI. Here’s a photo I snapped just this morning of a Terminator shooting fire out of his guitar to add to the mushroom cloud of a nuclear explosion. It really just doesn’t get any better than that.

Mucho Mucho

It’s stupid to deny that global warming is happening — the Earth has been warming over the last half century (though apparently not the last 8 years or so). The picture below, representing data from an ice core in Greenland, puts it into perspective though.

It's Getting Hot in Here.

If 120 years of CO2 is causing that little blip (down there on the right, way down at the end), then what the hell happened 1000 years ago? Or when the Roman empire was at its peak? And holy crap they must have been burning the ever-living-shit out of some green house gases back in 1700 BC. Probably the fucking Spartans, I bet.

Pave the World

The problem with Marx’s ideas was threefold: (1) sociological phenomena are a little like the emergent properties of biological systems — fuck with this phospholipid or that portion of the ATP cycle, and you’re just as likely to kill whatever it is that you thought you saw growing (or festering, as it were), (2) it doesn’t take much to keep the Proles happy and churning out Model-Ts and out of the bars and bowling alleys where they might foment drunken revolution, and (3) basic, bloody human nature. I wonder, though, whether he might not have been right; whether there might not be some ass-arific socio-politico-economical arrangement toward which all forms of human society inevitably lurch and gurgle.

Those of you who bemoaned the ascendancy of the shopping mall take note: At least shopping malls don’t stock generic-brand marshmallow fluff. Big-box stores are here, they’re queer, and they’re out to kick the ever-living shit out of your shopping malls — bastions of our beloved modern culture though they may be. And with their ridiculous leverage with suppliers, their LARGE margins, and the astounding, staggering profits they make on generic-brand soap and cereal, it’s only a matter of time until you regard everything other than generic-brand marshmallow fluff as a luxury.

I want to come back as a bucket of generic-brand marshmallow fluff.

But that’s OK. Jesus said something or other about poor folks inheriting the Earth — however fucked up and Wal-Mart-filled it may be.

This is what it’s going to look like after I blow up the moon:

What is it with the Japanese and mayonnaise? Seriously. The Mitsuoka Orochi is the most awful thing I’ve ever seen:

Holy crap x infinity.

I can only assume that the sick bastards, with their grotesque fascination with the sinful, vile condiment, decided to make a car that evokes the same convulsive, regurgitant response. Only they found that a mayonaise-mobile won’t pass safety standards, so they just made it look “thick, and yellowish-white” (see Wikipedia entry for mung mayonnaise). The car is a fucking abomination.

OMFG

Dear Satan

Sincerely,
Worried Son

Have you tried swearing an oath while touching his man parts? That’s how folks in the Bible knew they could trust someone. That stuff you see where people swear oaths by placing their hands on the Bible — that’s just modern nonsense. If you want to make your dad believe you, you need to go grab him by the scrotum.

It’s true, when Abraham wanted one of his servants to promise not to make his son marry a Canaanite, he said, “Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh: and I will make thee swear by the Lord.” (Genesis 24:2) Of course, King James and all those medieval, uppity prudes weren’t willing to translate the Aramaic accurately. The original language — “yo soy el chulo electrico” — literally means “Grab my wang and tell me the truth, damnit!” So instead they wrote “place your hand on my thigh.” But don’t take my word for it: This dude can set you straight on this and many other interesting euphemisms in the Bible.

Of course, I can’t help but wonder how and when you guys went from swearing oaths on each others’ penises to swearing oaths on Bibles. Can you imagine?

“You know what? We need to substitute something for the dong when we swear oaths.”

“Yeah, how about we use this?”

“What’s that?”

“Oh, it’s a book. Called the Bible.”

“Yes, that’s a good idea. The Bible seems to be a great substitute for a penis.”

The President Swears an Oath on Chief Justice Roberts' Tallywhacker

Or maybe this “please place your left hand on this Bible and raise your right hand” thing was just another euphemism. It’d be a good thing to test out, I think, next time you’re in court. When the judge asks you if you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, grab yourself a handful of the bailiff’s bits and pieces and swear to God that you will.

And the next time you see your dad, give him a good squeeze in the junk too. He’ll start trusting you, for sure.

Mostly I interact with old people by running them down on the highway. And as I do so, I wonder: What the fuck? What possesses an old person to do old person things? Is it dementia? Is it just that old people suck? What happens to a man that transforms him from a reasonably intelligent, ape-descended life form into a crabby pain in the ass that needs to be euthanized? And don’t get me started on grandmas. OH. MY. GOD. I’d say let’s kill them all, except that I’m fairly sure Hell would immediately be full to the brim of diaper-wearing, slow-driving, crabby old people.

I watched a wonderful movie recently called Logan’s Run, which is about a society in which all oldness is eradicated because everyone over a certain age is killed or something. Wonderful premise, but shitty execution, because in the end, the “hero” refuses to submit. He gets old and refuses to die. Ugh. So I’m not even going to review that movie. I’d have to give it negative stars, and, frankly, I don’t know how to do that using the Wordpress blogging interface.

Logan's Run (1976)

Aren’t any of you young people worried about all the fucking old people? Think about this: Because these old fuckers have nothing better to do than drive slow, vote, and show up for jury duty, they’ve become a disproportionately strong and vocal (and slow) minority when it comes to how the fucking country is run. And by that I mean that they’ve got a death grip on the Entitlement System, i.e., they’re dying, and they’re taking all of your tax dollars with them. All those Social Security taxes you’re paying? Not so much! Those should really just be called “Payments to Fucking Old, Slow, and Demented People Who Have One Foot in the Damned Grave Already.” So let’s just go ahead and get rid of all the old people!

Awesome Proposal for Dealing with the Elderly: I propose that we re-task NASA. After all, they’ve been doing some astoundingly dull stuff for the last however many years… Sending random-ass probes to Mars? Actual science? Been there, done that. BOORRRING. Instead, let’s build a shitload of Saturn V rockets, and then see how many old people we can fit in them. (I bet it’s a bunch!) Then we can point them all at the Sun, and fire away! Imagine that! 50 Million Old People, shot right into the heart of the sun. It would be awesome. And then we could all drive fast again.

And in the future, after all the old people are gone, you’ll pull up behind someone who is going too slow (but not that slow, because all the old people have been loaded onto rockets and shot off at the sun), you’d say, “Move it, grandma!” And then you’ll remember, “Hey! All the grandmas are gone! We sent them to live on the Sun! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

In the meantime, being old is a mortal sin.

I, Satan, Lord of the Underworld, Prince of Darkness, and all that evil bad stuff, have added a new feature to this website. It is called: Bible Verse Madlibs, and it is awesome. It’s just madlibs, but with famous Bible verses. So now you too can try your hand at rewriting the Bible. Here’s one that I did:

The Fall of Man

Now the serpent was more FUCKING AWESOME than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not BONE any tree in the garden’?”
The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat POOP from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not LICK it, or you will EAT SHIT AND DIE‘ ”
“You will not surely die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be EXPLODED, and you will be like JESUS, knowing good and evil. “When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to MY SATANIC DONG, and also desirable for gaining THE FORCE, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to DARTH VADER, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed FACES together and made coverings for themselves.
Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was CRAPPING in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?”
He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I was GETTING IT ON.”
And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the ASS that I commanded you not to eat from?”
The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some WOOD from the tree, and I USED it.”
Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”
The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

Maybe you can do better than me.