Been getting a lot of these letters recently. Not sure what the hell is going on with you lot.
My boyfriend is a jerk. He totally ignored my texts all day long. What should I do?
Dear Angry Girlfriend:
You are an idiot. No, wait! I didn’t mean it. Really. I’m sorry. And I know exactly what to do: You should punish that jerk by condemning him to Hell.
Now, I know what you’re thinking — “That sounds hard! Can’t I just cut off his penis?”
Well, my dear, the answer is: You can do both. The Bible says that any guy whose man parts are crushed, mangled, or cut off doesn’t get to be a part of the club, which is another way of saying he gets to go straight to Hell:
“A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the LORD.”
Isn’t that great? Not only will he have to suffer the pain, humiliation, and psychological trauma associated with being castrated, he’ll also have to look forward to spending the rest of his days in eternal agony.
So grab the nearest knife or set of shears (or even just a rock) and Get to Work! Listen carefully after you do, because amidst all of that post-castration gnashing of teeth and rending of clothing, I bet you he says something like, “Oh God, I want to die!” And then you’ll be right there, ready to chime in, “Oh, but do you really?”