Archive for the ‘The Bible According to Satan’ Category

Dear Satan

Thursday, November 29th, 2012

Been getting a lot of these letters recently. Not sure what the hell is going on with you lot.

Dear Satan:

My boyfriend is a jerk. He totally ignored my texts all day long. What should I do?

–Angry Girlfriend

Dear Angry Girlfriend:

You are an idiot. No, wait! I didn’t mean it. Really. I’m sorry. And I know exactly what to do: You should punish that jerk by condemning him to Hell.

Now, I know what you’re thinking — “That sounds hard! Can’t I just cut off his penis?”

Well, my dear, the answer is: You can do both. The Bible says that any guy whose man parts are crushed, mangled, or cut off doesn’t get to be a part of the club, which is another way of saying he gets to go straight to Hell:

“A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the LORD.”
Deuteronomy 23:1

Isn’t that great? Not only will he have to suffer the pain, humiliation, and psychological trauma associated with being castrated, he’ll also have to look forward to spending the rest of his days in eternal agony.

So grab the nearest knife or set of shears (or even just a rock) and Get to Work! Listen carefully after you do, because amidst all of that post-castration gnashing of teeth and rending of clothing, I bet you he says something like, “Oh God, I want to die!” And then you’ll be right there, ready to chime in, “Oh, but do you really?”

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Dear Satan

Tuesday, October 30th, 2012

Dear Satan:

I’m worried about global warming, but I keep hearing people say that “the science is not settled.” I don’t know what to think. Where do you come down on this debate?

–Confused SUV Driver

Like I fucking know. What I do know is how to settle a debate!

Once upon a time there were a bunch of Israelites in the desert or something, and some of them were all, “Hey, God is boring! Let’s worship Baal!”

And everyone was like, “Yeah! Cool! Awesome!”

But then this boring dude came up and he was all, “Let’s settle this debate once and for all. We can use fire,” which was a pretty cool idea.

Bubo the Owl, from Clash of the Titans

Bubo the Owl, from Clash of the Titans

And so they built two alters. One was awesome. It was an alter to Baal. It had a giant golden throne on which sat a statue of an angry cow, with mean red eyes made of precious stones. And they brought in some of those little mechanical owls–like Bubo from the movie Clash of the Titans. It was sweet. People were dancing and shaking it and generally having a good time.

Over at the other alter, things were much more subdued. And that was pretty much because the other alter completely sucked. For one thing, it had zero Bubos. And the alter itself was just some sticks and some rocks and maybe some dryer lint or something. It was gay.

Once everything was in place, the two groups of people sat around chanting, praying, and hoping their alter would light on fire to establish, once and for all, the awesomeness of that particular group. Eventually one of them (the groups of people) did.

You can read the Biblical account here: 1 Kings 18:24-40. It totally omits (1) the Bubos, and (2) the fact that the people around the alter caught on fire as well as the alter, which completely changes the impression you get from reading the story. But whatever.

The moral of the story is: All disputes can be resolved with fire. As for global warming, if we light the world on fire, there will no longer be any debate. It’ll be like: “Duh, of course it’s getting hotter, because the world is on fire, and yeah it’s anthropogenic, because we’re the ones who set the fire and stuff.”

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Dear Satan

Tuesday, September 11th, 2012

Dear Satan:

My pastor says that we’re supposed “love our neighbors,” but lately I’ve been having a lot of trouble with that. It seems like everywhere I go, people are rude and awful. It just makes me feel so bad I want to cry!

–Struggling with Brotherly Love

It’s true that the Bible says “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Galatians 5:14) But what the Bible doesn’t say is that your neighbors are evil robots programmed to punish you and make your life shitty. So you’re perfectly justified in hating them.

I’m sure you’ve heard somebody, somewhere say, “Oh, I’ve died and gone, and gone to Heaven.” Next time you hear that, slap that fucker and tell him the truth, which is that:

You’ve been dead and living and Hell for quite some time, only you’re too stupid to realize it.

The people around you, all of those gigantic asshats?

They’re really just robots. Robots programmed by God to punish you for your sins.

I think you must have been really, really bad.

Here’s proof: The The Lake Woboegon Effect is the tendency of stupid humans to think they’re not stupid. This one time, at band camp, there was a survey of drivers, and pretty much all the drivers thought they were good or even great drivers (even though at least half had to be below average). The survey guys and psychologists had a good, smug laugh and patted themselves on the back and said, “Ahh… Human nature… ha ha ha!”

I hate them.

They were totally wrong. The Lake Wobegon effect has nothing to do with human nature. No, 80% of drivers don’t really think they fall into the top 10% in terms of driving skill. Eighty percent of drivers don’t exist. They’re robots, programmed to respond that way when polled; programmed to make your life a living hell by driving crappy and lying about it when asked.

And your pastor tells you to love your neighbor? Well, he’s a robot too, isn’t he? And he’s telling you to love a bunch of evil robots who are only there to make your life miserable. What kind of sick fuck is he? Next time you see him, I recommend that you punch him in the eye. And then you can get on with hating your evil neighbor-robots like you’re supposed to.

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What About the Sacred Poop?

Friday, December 18th, 2009

So, back to the doctrine of transubstantiation. Last year, apparently, while I was on vacation in China, a young man got in trouble for trying to leave church before he’d finished eating Jesus. That sucks, I say, because I think you should be able to eat Jesus on your own time. It’s not easy to eat another dude, especially one that’s been dead (and “Risen!”) for nearly 2,000 years, so give the kid a break if he wants to take his time about it, OK?

But this raises, I think, another interesting question: If these people are so fucking worried about one Jesus wafer escaping into the wild, why aren’t they worried about all of the little bits of Jesus that get digested and pooped out all over the world? Why aren’t there angry old Catholic ladies down at the water treatment plant right now trying to reclaim the holy host? Seems a bit inconsistent to me. I mean, if you can turn a fucking cracker into God in the first place, then surely a little bit of mastication and digestion isn’t going to undo that? I’ve tried to find some official statement of the church on this, but haven’t been able to.

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I’d Like More Credit

Saturday, June 13th, 2009

Bringing about the fall of man was pretty awesome, especially considering that I had to do it while wearing a snake suit. Let me tell you, that shit ain’t easy. You try to instigate Original Sin while dressed as a scaly creature with no arms, no legs, and a forked tongue, and see how far you get.

Flying No-Legged Snake Suit

That's Me in the Corner

See, when I inhabit a body, be it human or snake or tarsir, my powers are limited. That’s not to say I can’t pull any supernatural shit, but the body I inhabit imposes certain physical limits. For example, I made the snake talk, but I didn’t make the snake fly. If I had, you would’ve heard about it, because it would have been extremely awesome, and the guys who wrote Genesis would not have wanted to leave it out.

Mighty Satanic Tarsir

Mighty Satanic Tarsir

This, I think, raises the question: Why did I bother with the snake suit? It’s a good question. It’s not as if I really had to worry about Eve, you know? I mean, think about it for a second: Eve had an extended conversation about whether to eat an apple from the tree of knowledge with a fucking snake. I could have appeared as a flaming Emu for all the difference it would have made to that dumb yatch.

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The Disciples Were Cannibals

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

OK folks, I’m here to clear some stuff up. You can thank me later.

You have, no doubt, heard of the doctrine of transubstantiation. If you haven’t heard of that, you’ve at least heard of cannibalism. That’s right, God wants you all to be cannibals. That’s what Jesus was talking about at the Last Supper when he said “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me,” and “This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me.” (see 11 Corinthians 24-25). If you have any doubt about what I’m saying here, you just have to look to the official statements of the Catholic church from the Thirteenth Session of the Counsel of Trent in 1552:

CANON II. If any one saith, that, in the sacred and holy sacrament of the Eucharist, the substance of the bread and wine remains conjointly with the body and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ, and denieth that wonderful and singular conversion of the whole substance of the bread into the Body, and of the whole substance of the wine into the Blood-the species Only of the bread and wine remaining-which conversion indeed the Catholic Church most aptly calls Transubstantiation; let him be anathema.

CANON VIII. lf any one saith, that Christ, given in the Eucharist, is eaten spiritually only, and not also sacramentally and really; let him be anathema.

There it is. The eucharist, the fundamental sacrament at the heart of the Christian church, is a cannibalistic ritual.

So what does that have to do with the disappearance of Jesus’ body at the end of the Gospels (see, e.g., Luke 24:3 (”And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.”))? Well, isn’t it obvious? It’s not? OK, I’ll tell you.

As you know, after Jesus died, they took him down and stuck his body in a tomb. What you didn’t know was that later that night, in a fit of apostolic fervor, some of the disciples snuck into the tomb and, taking the “this is my body” tripe too literally, went to town. That’s right–they ate him, the dirty cannibals. Later, when Luke et al. wrote the Gospels, they invented the whole we-found-the-tomb-empty bit to cover up the cannibalistic nastiness. Here’s the original ending:

Luke 24:

The next morning, a white-robbed Jesus appeared to the sated, slumbering cannibals and said unto them:

“You sick fucks! You ate me!”

“Sweet! You’re alive again! Sorry we ate you.”

“You guys are so not going to be a part of the church anymore. I’m totally handing the reigns over to a guy named Saul of Tarsus for this.”

“Oooh… Bummer.”

The angry Jesus fried the cannibals with bolts of electricity from his finger tips, and ascended into Heaven.

And that’s what really happened.

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