So, back to the doctrine of transubstantiation. Last year, apparently, while I was on vacation in China, a young man got in trouble for trying to leave church before he’d finished eating Jesus. That sucks, I say, because I think you should be able to eat Jesus on your own time. It’s not easy to eat another dude, especially one that’s been dead (and “Risen!”) for nearly 2,000 years, so give the kid a break if he wants to take his time about it, OK?

But this raises, I think, another interesting question: If these people are so fucking worried about one Jesus wafer escaping into the wild, why aren’t they worried about all of the little bits of Jesus that get digested and pooped out all over the world? Why aren’t there angry old Catholic ladies down at the water treatment plant right now trying to reclaim the holy host? Seems a bit inconsistent to me. I mean, if you can turn a fucking cracker into God in the first place, then surely a little bit of mastication and digestion isn’t going to undo that? I’ve tried to find some official statement of the church on this, but haven’t been able to.